im sad

im sad
its not because im stressed out
not because my wishes havnt come true or because im reunited wiv the one i love
no its not..
its because im confused
because things never play out how i plan them to
because he didnt and doesnt see anything wrong wiv what he did
because he feels he got it right nd i didnt
said all d right things but i didnt listen or hear them
he feels i should be grateful and head over heels in excitement but im not
why because he doesnt see anything wrong wiv what he did
and because the 1st 7 reasons he has for coming back wasnt because he loved me or wanted to be with me
wasnt because he missed me and couldnt bare losing me...


so im sad...
im sad because the one i love pities me and wants to be with me mostly because of an oline horoscope, ethical reasons..... and then.......... love




rosa del desierto.

to be reborn we kill a little bit of ourselves

sometimes we are more connected to perfect strangers than we think

it is the darkest of all truths that we have to be at the edge of death to ever be saved

My love is too......

Insomnia has set in and as I lay here staring at the clock and trying to empty my mind of the impossible, one of the most amazing movies ever made comes to mind.... For Coloured Girls... And I remember the one of the beautiful dialogues  and a soothing feeling washes over me as i replay the movie in my head and once again relate it to myself..


Juanita: Well, I do it all the time in my class. You just say, "My love is too ____," and you just fill in the blank. 
Gilda: My love is too sanctified to have it thrown back on my face. 
Kelly: My love is too magic to have it thrown back on my face. 
Tangie: My love is too "Saturday Night" to have it thrown back on my face. 
Jo: My love is too complicated to have it thrown back on my face. 
Yasmine: My love is too music to have it thrown back on my face. 
Juanita: Yes, and you remember that when a man tries to walk off with all your stuff!


And I decided to join the game and use these powerful words that i don't only find solace but also revelation in...
.....My love is too generously and innocently given to have it thrown back in my face....


And with this I can actually see past the tears that seem, to be constantly flowing from the leaking dam which has now become my eyes and I think ever so easier about a nicer ''smilier'' tomorrow..
So with that I leave with a good night as i feel my eyelids finally getting heavy and the warm arms of sleep gradually encircling me and promising me lies  I so long to be reality but which I knw deep down will never be, but i still prepare myself.. hoping.. wishing.. and praying that mayb..just mayb.. wishes would this once come true...

The moon and I

I'm sitting here listening to Hank William's - ''I'm so lonesome i could cry'' - one of the blues i always heard from my dad's collection that i remember putting so much effort into memorising as a very little girl but this time I'm actually crying alongside this lovely classic song. And what's wrong with me?.. Yeah you've probably guessed it .... heart break.. the typical girls' sad story, her inspiration to blog, and in this particular situation a satisfaction that I've tried talking to someone-even tho its probably someone I'ld never know ( which I guess makes it better. :) ) I've just heard Randy ( the American Idol judge) telling one of the rejected contestants wishing for one more shot, ''Its a show, you just have one chance and you put it all out on the stage.'' And I cant help thinking... I'm asking myself... Did I put it all out on my hypothetical relationship stage? Did i use my one chance the best way i could? Did I let the judge (in  this case Mr. XYZ) know how much ''talent'' i had? Did i leave him wanting more? Looking for that pizazz? Or am I just being my usual self criticising and blaming self?

I watched a TV show yesterday and I ended up asking myself.

Who am I?.. yeah I obviously know my name (duh) but it was deeper than that.. my personality. And I came up with some really hard hitting things -a person who is insecure and has a low self esteem issue, a person so scared of rejection and (recently) loneliness because I gambled in all my emotions and lost all bets..  yeah t
thats the who I came up with.. That's who I am and have become....

So I'll leave you with the lyrics to this amazing song I now have on repeat as I ask my self what would happen in the days to come..

I’m So Lonesome I Could Cry

Hear that lonesome whippoorwill
He sounds too blue to fly
The midnight train is whining low
I'm so lonesome I could cry

I've never seen a night so long
When time goes crawling by
The moon just went behind the clouds
To hide its face and cry

Did you ever see a robin weep
When leaves began to die?
That means he's lost the will to live
I'm so lonesome I could cry

The silence of a falling star
Lights up a purple sky
And as I wonder where you are
I'm so lonesome I could cry



Rosa del desierto