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You know what i want to hear but you wont say it...
You know what i want to see but u wont show me..
You know what i want to say but u still let me say it
You know what i dont want to hear but u still let me hear it
You know how i dont want to feel but u make me feel that way..
You know what i dont want to say but you make me say it all
So now i dont even know how im supposed to feel because you dint say anything you dint show me anything and you left me feeling everything and assuming everything
So im confused now and i dont know how to react because im having a one sided conversation wiv my self while u just mirror me back blankly.... :(
and its making me really sad...

So little time so much to do..

There's really something strange abt knowing u have so much to do and so little time to do them all but still you find urself unable to make that first step that would begin your chain of events. That's exactly where I find my self now... I know I have so much to do but I cant just beiing myself to start one knowing fully well that with it i'll be encouraged to complete the rest. Is it because I can't get over the some simple facts or because I'm to lazy relying on help that would never come or because I'm stupidly getting attach to something I know I shouldn't be.. Its obviously either one or all of these things, whichever one, I really need to get my head out of the clouds and get my act together count down days till the bomb explodes.. 2.. so I can either get into a safe shelter or stand outside and let my self be erased like dust..
So with this self assuring words, I'm going to bed to wake up an eager beaver ready to tear down any log of wood and build my dam ( metaphorically speaking , obviously, lool)..

So little time so much to do,
I wanna spend my days with you,
So little time so much to do,
I'd like to spend one day with you,
And if that day is not enough,
Maybe we can stay in touch.....lalalalala...

God help me.

Rosa del desierto

The Possible Denouement...

''I need you because I love you''

''I love you because I need you''

A collection of letters making a collection  of words and eventually a collection of quotes that could mean both the most amzing of things and the most hurtful of realisations. And now I think we fail to relate to the former but to the latter.This is me and my worries.. my thoughts of recent..

He accuses me of stealing his money then he hides it. possibly in the middle of the night when I'm sleeping and then he moves it around changing the hiding spots so that I won't find it not as if i would ever go looking.He hides his perfume, the gift that the girl he asked out while we were having a beef bought for him, because he thinks that somehow for a strange reason I might be using it.. a perfume i've never sprayed because of the lies surrounding it, a perfume I've never smelled of.He hides his ideas from me obviously because he doesn't want me to be involved or know unless he is in an extremely and I mean extremely happy mood.When we are angry and he's shouting at me he says to me over and over again that  I should know that it's because he is staying at my place that's why he's taking all my attitude but when he gets his place I would never try my attitude because he would send me out.And I can't really help but think is he just trying his best to manage me? Will he in eventuality break up with me when he gets his place? Will he be more comfortable to have other girls that fit the image he has so continuosly kept looking for even though he is still with me?The image he looked for in his college mate he asked out during my birthday period and whom he actually ended up buying the same birthday present for me as he did for her and then lied about it continuosly to me until i again acted like an idiot and broke down the only way i know how *exhales* ...or the image he sees in his ex girlfriend he tried severally to reconnect with when we had a slight argument on his birthday...
or the image he looked for in his other ex that he lied to me about continuosly until i acted like a fool once again and found out the truth which i still didn't and don't want to believe even though it was written in black and white? A chat conversation...that left me dumbfounded and crying stupidly for about 2hrs All his actions make it look like he can't continue like this anymore. He can't even bring himself to have one decent conversation without even trying to shout orders at me or even listen to my opinion no matter how it sounds. If I even as much do something wrong that he didn't want or expect he just shouts tells me how stupid I am and how stupid it was.. Does he bother to try to talk to me properly?? No... he doesnt and I'm supposed to act like nothing is wrong... treat him so well???but i can't because Im hurt...And then I see him getting excited over my friend's pictures, my friend that I could tell he fancied and my thoughts were confirmed the day I was with him nd saw his flirty chat with her, . So when I saw his reaction to her cleavage revealing pictures then I knew I must've been right that day and so i cried yet again.I love him more than words a lone can actually express but I feel there is a 60%..70% possibility that he can't be bothered anymore about us and about me. So I'm trying to have a conversation with him and see what my true results are, the type of conversation where I plan my words so carefully before I plunge in but then end up talking to myself and grasping at straws and hurting even more... I tell my self to remain calm and act sensibly but then i always break down screaming and yelling dishing out insults because they have become my ''brave act''. My brave act that tries to shield my aching self from all the real things flowing through my mind..
Like the feeling to just run across the room and hug him and tell him how sorry I am and how stupid the argument is and will always be and how I just want us to forget all about it.. Like the feeling  that when he walks in knowing that he still holds grudges against me I have to just kiss him and it all goes away..Like the feeling I had when he called me downstairs and I merrily went with the intent to call it all bygones but he just had to drag me back to reality and stop me in my tracks with his angry demanding and accusing tones. I wanted  to run back crying like a little girl I wanted to put on my brave act.. I wanted to just say ''To hell with you I force myself to be in love with you!!!!!''.. but instead I played it low and ignored it all..And now we've had yet another argument and I am left feeling like an idiot... an argument about money.. Money he knows i have none of . Money he knows I depend on him fully for..Well that brings me to another point. I think I have been able to proove, using myself as a case study, that my guy (possibly soon to be another girl's guy) does not like being depended on solely (and I mean not even a little bit) He would definitely prefer a working class lady any day to a stay at home full time mom. And although it hurts me to know that i have to rely on him for the littlest of things, even for money to buy mere essentials, I doubt he knows that.. I think he feels i enjoy asking him for money, So every chance he has to rub my pain in or should i say ''lack of a good job'' in my face he does so and it stings so much that I cant help to reply in an uncivil way raining down insults i know i would regret in the seconds that follow their exit from my mouth.

So In conclusion, I think he deserves someone who already has their sh** together, who he doesn't have to be beside as they try to grow themselves a pair, someone who is strong and can assure and support him as much as he needs and who he can do the same to equally. In his words I rephrase

''Someone that burns with passion and ambition, someone that will be great even if they do not graduate with a 1st class or even get a phd because they dream (like I dont), and have similar dreams with him and have the same passion and desire and drive he has, someone who sleeps, eats and drinks their future plan''

He is trying to start up his life and he really doesn't need ''leeches'' sucking off any little building block he places on his foundation. And I in all fairness I have done a lot of that and I need to get my act together because the clock is really ticking and I cant lie down, lazying around all the time, because as I just read,

''The more I am, the more I can be for others,I cant give to others what i don't have myself, so I have to first of all make myself emotionally, physically, spiritually and mentaly wealthy and healthy and then I can freely give to others.''

So hopefully, through this all we can achieve very important things:

a) I find myself, and

b)He lays a good & solid foundation for his future just how he had planned.

And all our wishes come true.....

Rosa del desierto.

im sad

im sad
its not because im stressed out
not because my wishes havnt come true or because im reunited wiv the one i love
no its not..
its because im confused
because things never play out how i plan them to
because he didnt and doesnt see anything wrong wiv what he did
because he feels he got it right nd i didnt
said all d right things but i didnt listen or hear them
he feels i should be grateful and head over heels in excitement but im not
why because he doesnt see anything wrong wiv what he did
and because the 1st 7 reasons he has for coming back wasnt because he loved me or wanted to be with me
wasnt because he missed me and couldnt bare losing me...


so im sad...
im sad because the one i love pities me and wants to be with me mostly because of an oline horoscope, ethical reasons..... and then.......... love




rosa del desierto.

to be reborn we kill a little bit of ourselves

sometimes we are more connected to perfect strangers than we think

it is the darkest of all truths that we have to be at the edge of death to ever be saved